A year ago today…

One year ago today, I heard the worst news of my life.  I went to the doctor because I hadn’t felt the baby moving in a couple of days and at the doctor’s office, it was confirmed that my baby had died.  When I heard the news, I screamed and whaled in the office while I was on the phone with my husband, who was frantically driving to the office to meet me there.  I can close my eyes and it feels like it just happened.  The doctor offered her condolences and so the did NP, and then my husband got there and we just held each other and cried.  How could this have happened?  How could our baby be gone?  It’s amazing how fast your life can change.  My dad was out in the car watching my son, and I had to text him to let him know what had happened and ask him to take my son back to his house.  After about a half an hour of us dealing with our grief, it was time to get into the medical part of all of this.  The doctor said that we needed to get right to the hospital to start the process along, and that she felt we should do a C-section as planned originally.   As we started to leave, the doctor came out to tell us that she spoke to a high risk doctor at the hospital who said the best thing was for me to deliver vaginally, which I had never done before.  So now not only did we get pregnant on our own, which we never thought we could do, but now I will finally get the chance to experience a vaginal birth to my son who has died.  Both of my sons were delivered via C-section, so I knew what to expect with that.  This I had no experience with.  We went to the hospital and they did another ultrasound just to make sure my son was really gone, before they moved on with their medical plans.  And for just a second before they put the ultrasound on my belly, we prayed that we would hear a different outcome, but we did not.  It was just another kick in the stomach, and not the kind I wanted to be feeling at that moment.  I received medication to prevent some of the pain and then the doctors left the room.  My husband and I started talking about names again because we had to name our son.  I asked him to look up the meaning of the name Samuel again, since we had talked about that name before.  I remembered telling my husband that Sam Carroll sounded like such a nice name for a man.  The name meant God has heard.  We decided to name him Samuel.  After waiting in the room for what seemed like forever, the doctors came back in and put these sticks into my cervix to soften it up and get it ready for labor.  This felt great (sarcasm)!  After this was all done, we went back to my moms house.  Seeing my parents made the tears pour out again.  Then, my mother and father-in-law came over, tears again.  My son Alex was there, he is not even 2 at the time, but my son Evan was in pre-k and my husband had to go pick him up early to tell him what happened.  Eventually my husband came back with my son who gave me a hug and said he was sorry about what happened.  We stayed at my parents house and ordered dinner in and just sat and dealt with the news.  I wanted to spend the night with my kids but realized we needed to be at the hospital early in the morning so my in-laws said they would come to spend the night at our house in order to help.  We spent a while at my parents, then went home.  We pulled in our driveway and my son Alex was asleep, but Evan was awake.  We still needed a middle name for our son.  I asked my husband about the name Jonas, which we spoke of before and asked him to look it up.  It meant Gift from God or messenger.  We asked my son if he liked it and he said yes.  His name is Samuel Jonas.  That will forever be his name.  Off to the hospital tomorrow after more heartache tonight…

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