When you lose a child, you enter this exclusive group that no one wants to belong to. This group that no one would ever choose to be a part of. It seems now, after losing Samuel, and having 3 miscarriages, that loss has become a part of my life. The grief is so difficult and the sadness comes in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. I have come a long way since I lost my son, but I am forever changed as a person. I never thought I could handle losing a child, but it is amazing how strong you can be when you have no other choice. Each night, when I look at my children sleeping, this is when I am most reminded of Samuel. I never got to see Samuel with his eyes open, only closed and it looked like he was asleep the day we saw him. The day I got to meet him and hold him I was in awe of how much he looked like his brothers. So when I look at my sons asleep, I see Samuel. Every day I am so thankful for my children. They have kept me from going to a very dark place. The road has been long and bumpy and I have tried to stay on it as best as I can. I try to see the beauty in the world each day to keep that light in my heart. The pain is always there, but now the tears come in waves. I am envious of the girl I used to be, right up until June 28, 2015, the last day I was excited to become the mother of 3 boys. The last day I was a happy pregnant lady. Oh how blissfully ignorant I was the day before my life was changed forever.