The unimaginable…

It was early in the morning on July 1, 2015 and I had been awake most of the night with contractions.  And things were finally progressing.  The doctors had done a few things to get me to move along and they seemed to have worked.  The contractions were bad, but knowing what was to come was much, much worse.  After a while the contractions started to become closer together and stronger.  When it was time to start pushing, the nurse showed my husband how to hold my leg on one side to help me, while she held the other.   I started to push.  I remembered everything the nurse told me and the process had begun.  The nurse updated the doctor on my status and remained in the room with me, my husband and another nurse.  It seemed like it happened so fast but really time was standing still.  The moment I had dreamt about my entire life, giving birth to my child, was finally here and was the single worst experience of my life.  Of our lives.  The doctor came in when I was almost done pushing to help get my  baby out.  When he finally came out, the room was so quiet you could hear a needle hit the floor.  No baby crying as it was welcomed into its new world, no tears of joy from me or my husband.  Only quiet and pure sadness.  The doctor took our little Samuel out of the room and we just wept.  My husband just held me and we wept for our son.  My husband and I had talked about whether or not we wanted to see our son and hold him.  My husband, Rob, was unsure as he had seen some photos online and was not sure what we would see and if it would be traumatic.  I told my husband that I wanted to hold him and I thought we both should since this would be the only time we will ever get the chance to do so.  We agreed we would hold him and also take some photos so that we had them to remember him.  A short while later, the nurse wheeled in our son.  She picked him up and handed him to us.  He was beautiful!  He looked just like our other two boys.  The nurse had dressed him and wrapped him like a little doll, and that was what he looked like, a sleeping doll.  We spent some time alone with him just crying and holding him.  Then, a woman came in from Now I lay me Down to Sleep to take photos of us with our son.  The entire experience was surreal, but I am so thankful that we did it.  The woman gave us a little toy for each of our sons, to give them from Samuel.  We took photos of him holding each of the toys, which we later gave to our sons.  After the session was over, my husband went down to the lobby of the hospital to get our parents and tell them that they could hold their grandson if they wanted to.

I had some time alone with Sammy and I just held him and closed my eyes and rested with him in my arms.  I even sang to him.  I sang “twinkle, twinkle, little star” because it was the only time I could sing my baby boy a lullaby.  I sat with him a while just the two of us and even though it was heart-breaking, I enjoyed every minute of it.  Both of our parents came back into the room and each got to see him and hold him.

July 1, 2015 is our son’s birthday, but he will never get to blow out his candles.  He will never get to play with his brothers or feel the love from his mommy and daddy.  The only thing he will ever know is what it was like to be a part of me and grow in my tummy.  He has made such an impact on our lives and will forever be a part of our family.




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