It comes in waves…

When you lose a child, you enter this exclusive group that no one wants to belong to.  This group that no one would ever choose to be a part of.  It seems now, after losing Samuel, and having 3 miscarriages, that loss has become a part of my life.  The grief is so difficult and the sadness comes in waves, sometimes when you least expect it.  I have come a long way since I lost my son, but I am forever changed as a person.  I never thought I could handle losing a child, but it is amazing how strong you can be when you have no other choice.  Each night, when I look at my children sleeping, this is when I am most reminded of Samuel.  I never got to see Samuel with his eyes open, only closed and it looked like he was asleep the day we saw him.  The day I got to meet him and hold him I was in awe of how much he looked like his brothers.  So when I look at my sons asleep, I see Samuel.  Every day I am so thankful for my children.  They have kept me from going to a very dark place.  The road has been long and bumpy and I have tried to stay on it as best as I can.  I try to see the beauty in the world each day to keep that light in my heart.  The pain is always there, but now the tears come in waves.  I am envious of the girl I used to be, right up until June 28, 2015, the last day I was excited to become the mother of 3 boys.  The last day I was a happy pregnant lady.  Oh how blissfully ignorant I was the day before my life was changed forever.